Parents experience guilt often. I will talk in a different article about guilt itself, where I will look to find if it’s a useful emotion to have. However, I am starting with this particular example because it affects nearly all parents.
When a new baby is born, parents are born too. It can cause so much joy but it can also affect the relationship. Not only will the hormonal changes and time management come into play but the way we solve conflicts too. With a new baby at home conflict resolution from private becomes public as there is a third (or more) person involved. And with the stress of the new role as a parent and less time for deep and meaningful conversations (which are important and tips for regaining them will be discussed in a separate article), conflicts may become different than before.
Firstly, the conflict starts by being built up more if there is less time to discuss things as they happen. When a conflict is worked on early on, it much more rarely escalates into a fight. However, with new priorities in place, it can become challenging and in no way means that a relationship is experiencing a crisis. See it as an opportunity to learn a new way to fight.
And still, fights happen. And it’s normal. Often, with a baby we will air our grievances in hushed tones thinking that the baby won’t know we’re fighting. However, when I talked to a psychologist about this topic, she told me that even newborns can feel tension between people. So there is no way to hide our disagreements from our little ones. But is it necessarily a bad thing?
As my wonderful Developing Doulas breastfeeding teacher and creator of the course so beautifully put (albeit in a different context):
Children learn from us by watching us, our children won’t learn to go to the toilet if they don’t see us go to the toilet so we need to show them.
And I use this particular example, because our fights seem private and intimate, just like going to the toilet. So fighting with your partner is actually a way for your child to learn conflict resolution, a great skill for their emotional intelligence. So the problem isn’t that we fight but how we fight.
First of all, the child learns that we can be angry with those who we love. We can express anger towards these people but still love them. So if a child asks about a fight (or is observing it) it is important to remind them that you still love each other by saying something like “Mummy is angry at daddy for not having paid attention to what I said. I still love daddy but I feel upset at this moment and need to address it.”
Here, it is important to remember that even if the fight is very tense, it is best to avoid loud shouting and in no way is it ok to exhibit physical or emotional violence towards each other, even if there isn’t a child observing it.
But what if the fight escalates to one or all of the guardians raising voice? In case the child sees it and has a neutral reaction, take a step back and remember they’re still in your presence. Take a few deep breaths to ground yourself and remind your partner to do the same. It is normal to slip into the old fighting pattern but it is a conscious choice to slip out of it, that requires hard effort.
If, however, the child gets scared it is crucial to stop the argument and turn to the child. This, again, is the time to explain the situation – name reasons, emotions and remind the child, that they are safe. In this situation prioritise the child over the fight and involve your partner in making it a safe space for the child to be explained what’s going on and that everything is safe.
If a situation gets tense, it is not the right time for a teaching moment in how to resolve conflicts and the main focus turns to the child. But these cases are not the most effective way for teaching a child conflict resolution. In cases of hard difficulties with anger it is advisable to seek help from a professional or at least self help guides. However, in most cases we can contain ourselves enough in front of our children to make a disagreement with our partners a teaching moment.
It is not only important how you fight – what language, tone you use, do you let the other person speak, do you listen? It is far more important what happens after.
When a conflict is resolved, especially, if a child has experienced the process, it is just as important to make up in front of your baby. This shows that even if someone has been angry, they will address this emotion and move past it in the name of the family. Showing kindness to your partner when they apologise and receiving kindness from them is a very healthy way to end a fight.
And even in moments where the feelings are too strong to immediately hug and make up, it is important to name your emotions and explain that being hurt or angry does not mean the absence of love.
Children understand a lot more than they’ve been given credit for for way too long and trusting our children in understanding adequate conflict resolution can go a long way in their future emotional intelligence development. In fact, occasional conflict and its resolution is healthier to a child than bottling your emotions up and always pretending to take everything that comes your way. There is nothing wrong in teaching our children boundaries through our own example.
In summary, a fight can be a great tool for teaching your child conflict resolution. Be mindful in the fight, respectful to your partner and your child will see that this is the way to address hard feelings in a safe environment. And after the fight make up in front of your child to teach them that your family is a safe space to express emotions as well as a safe space to return to after the storm.
All couples fight – before and after babies. The important thing to remember is – when we include a new person in our fight, we need to be mindful of their experience too. So is there any point in feeling guilt when fighting in front of your child?
Yes and no. A mild sense of guilt can ensure you’re not going over the top and can control your emotions and reactions better, but there is no reason to feel guilt over having a conflict in front of your child altogether as it can be a good way to show your child a civilised conflict resolution and show them all their emotional spectrum is acceptable in the family environment. It’s not about fighting, it’s about how we’re doing it.
