Guilt is a feeling we as parents feel very strongly. In my groups I always read a list of things parents feel guilty about and it always makes people laugh because it truly is ridiculous to hear out loud that we can feel guilty about our feeding (too long or too short), our sleep habits (like sleeping together or apart) and even our birth experiences (thinking we did something wrong or feeling bad for things that happened because others “had it worse”).

Indeed, we, as mothers, start feeling guilt as early as pre-conception. If it’s not working out we feel guilt for doing something wrong, if we get pregnant immediately we often think of our friends or colleagues who have been trying for so long. But these examples may make us think that guilt is just a useless emotion which drives us insane. Yes, it’s often the case but it does have some functions and purposes too. So let’s dive in and pick the feeling of guilt apart.

The tricky roots of guilt

As parents we can’t just not do things. And then we feel guilty. We feel guilty for being run down and about not having enough resources to be the gentle and amazing parents we could or should be. 

We see profiles on twitter and instagram of perfect moments parents have with their children. Smiles, gams, maybe even a soothing soundtrack. We often turn to twitter or instagram when we’re already at a point where we need a break. And so we’re sitting in our pyjamas, with our hair dirty, staring at the perfect image of parenthood and surveying our own mess.

This is tricky. What we see is an edited and many times refilmed excerpt of the actual day. For many of these influencers it’s their job, there’s a team behind it. Someone needs to be looking after the child while the video is being edited, posted and marketed. We don’t see a shot of what’s happening under the bed or in the wardrobe or even in the background with clothes laying around due to many outfit changes. 

The same goes for books targeted at parents. Like in the beauty industry, our parenting techniques are often sold to us from the place of guilt and feeling inadequate. It preys on our insecurities to sell us the solution. Do you want to practice gentle parenting? Read this book and find out how. Do you want to smile and enjoy parenthood? Follow me, I’ll show you.

I remind again, for these people it’s their job. Oftentimes involving their own children and their privacy. 

So often we feel guilt for something we can’t realistically achieve. But I always remind – you can’t compare your worst moments with someone else’s best edits. Easier said than done, I know. But it is important to remember that guilt comes from more guilt. We have to look good so others see how well we’re doing. And for many, it’s a business.

Is there any point in feeling guilt?

Guilt has a point, yes. Many times we feel guilty for daily events. We feel guilty for how we discipline our children (which I will address in a separate article) and we feel guilt about fighting in front of our children which I discussed further here.

In these moments guilt can serve a purpose. On one hand we shouldn’t feel guilty for being burned out and reacting naturally. But we do. We know so much about the children’s emotional needs and it’s beautiful. Here it won’t hurt to remember that recognising where we’ve gone over the line just means we know where the line is and we’ve tried to be composed. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. 

Many things we feel guilty about are human. Especially about being tired, which manifests in many ways causing us to feel even more guilt. Sometimes we feel guilty about not entertaining our child with the best methods and ways. That’s also fine. I spoke to a psychiatrist about this and he told me that it is healthy for a child to be bored sometimes, it helps them figure out what they want to do.

So why do we feel guilt at all? Seems like all it does is drains us. Well, for one, guilt helps us stop. In the example of disciplining a child, it helps us not go further than we should. It helps us to stop and think before we let it escalate. It also helps us with not repeating these same patterns in the future.

It has its necessary attributes and we shouldn’t shy away from feeling it. It’s a lesson learned and more importantly, it shows that we have empathy and a moral compass. So feeling guilt as such is not a bad thing. It’s normal and human, just as the things we feel guilty about.

When does mom guilt become a problem and how to fix it?

It is important to note that mom guilt can become bothersome and even destructive. For example, one thing that comes with mom guilt is low self-esteem. You might feel like you’re a bad parent and constantly feeling like this can be dangerous and lead to depression. 

Being on your phone too much, eating too much, using alcohol too much – these are all red flags that there are coping mechanisms which are unhealthy. Another red flag is trying to overcompensate, doing all and everything at once – being the perfect mother, wife, lover, housekeeper. But this is a sure way to a burnout.

There are ways to deal with this though. One way to deal with the feeling of guilt is to ground yourself. Take a few deep breaths and survey the situation. Just like with panic attacks, it is good to name the feeling and recognise it before it escalates. 

Then, what I always tell my clients – talk to yourself as you’d talk to a friend. We would never be as harsh and criticising to our friends and fellow parents. Even if we disagreed with their actions we would try to analyse the situation before jumping to judgement and conclusions, or even punishment. 

You can also ask yourself – is this even worth feeling guilty about? Sometimes we feel guilty for still being in our pj’s in the middle of the day but realistically we are the only ones who care. Our children don’t mind and quite frankly, all day pyjama days are my favourite memories from my childhood. 

Sometimes we feel guilty for sitting on our phone while our child is playing but we need to remember that children will ask for what they need. We’re not being neglectful by taking a moment to ourselves whilst we’re still with our children, ensuring they’re safe and happy. 

And this brings me to my final point – we need to look after ourselves. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If we’re overly tired, hungry, if we haven’t looked after ourselves, we become more irritable and less able to deal with stressful situations. So “shamelessly” taking time to look after yourself is something we should never feel guilty about but making it a routine could help us with feeling less guilt in general. 

Comparing ourselves to others is never helpful but can be a cause for us feeling unnecessary guilt. Feeling too much guilt can drain us and exhaust us. But it can also help us react in a situation adequately. So guilt is a good and useful emotion that makes us stabilise the situation, evaluate our actions and react more appropriately. But I also want to remind you that guilt is not useful if we let it eat us up. 

And remember, if guilt is getting too hard to deal with, it is ok to look for a specialist to help you navigate through it.