When my daughter was born, like Socrates I knew only that I knew nothing – so I jumped into every childcare group and seminar I could find. A nice surprise was a lecture about mindfulness in child-raising by Diāna Zande. I was already drawn in by her first words which said that we need to start living now, in the moment we’re in, not wait for that something that may come later.

Two things happened – my child grew into the toddler phase and I finally realised I can’t keep being “stuck” my ongoing visa process but I need to start living here, where I am. Diāna Zande’s lecture was a sweet reminder during this time; something that had prepared me not only for childcare but also for a wider perspective on life.

I decided to risk it and reached out to Diāna Zande herself to talk about a theme that’s so current in my own life right now – tantrums. I wanted to understand what’s “normal” and what you can even do about it. I wanted to base this not only on our own observations but ask a specialist who would help put our findings in context so that our content is not only reflective but science-based because we rely on theories and evidence not self-reflection and gut feeling.

Of course, just like the feeding stories, we could have a tantrum story series, where we could share our personal experiences and normalise this to other mothers but Diāna Zande is a psychologist, cognitive behavioural therapist, supervisor, lecturer, and mother of five – an expert with concrete examples and facts based in science and practice. With answers to questions we want to know so badly – is this normal? When is it not normal anymore? And how to survive it?

What is a tantrum?

A tantrum or a fit of anger is a normal way for a child aged one-and-a-half to three, even three and a half, to show their frustration. A child is growing, their brain is developing especially fast at this time. At this age, it is the brain development in the limbic system that dictates the way a child is experiencing the world. This means that a child perceives everything through emotion and can’t mindfully lead themselves. When they’re upset, the motor functions take over and so the emotions are exhibited by the body. 

“This behaviour is one of the signs that a child is developing age appropriately”, Zande explains. 

She adds that when we talk to a two year old, we use more colourful body language, we show our emotions more visibly. 

Emotions have a great amplitude. If a child is more sensitive from birth, gets worried faster, is easier to overstimulate, then reaching two their tantrums might also be more intense. 

As she explains, there are five states that create a frustration in a child:

• They can’t get what they want
• They don’t succeed at what they’re doing
• They’re asked to do something they don’t want
• They are not allowed to do what they want
• They’re tired

She adds that if we think about it, a child is in one of these stages most of the time – they are not allowed something, they can’t get somewhere, there’s constant negative stimuli. Of course, they want to let the frustration out. She compares it to a woman’s need to have a good cry when everything is flowing over. In moments like these the last thing we want to hear is “it’s ok, stop crying”, we want to cry, and so that there is someone who can put up with our crying, support us, understand us. And it is similar for the baby – when the emotions are flowing over an advice to calm down just won’t work. 

Is it normal?

I’ve had this question myself. At times when my child hysterically cries “Shakja” and I can’t guess what it is – food? No! Water? NO! A toy? NOOO! And then she falls on the ground and exhibits every function I will talk about later. 

But as Zande explains, it’s the child’s nature, everything happens as it should, it’s simply a way for a child to let their emotions out and deal with the tension.

This also applies to the previously mentioned sensitive babies – it is normal if a sensitive child experiences tantrums more intensively as well. They could be often but they stop. If parents can deal and cope – it is normal. 

And yet, there are some things to pay attention to. If there is a feeling, that something is a bit more, a bit too severe, too intensive – if the baby gets angry even with minimal stimuli, is easily distraught. Here, I really like how Zande puts emphasis on the word “feeling”, reminding the parents of the power of their perception. We can trust our feelings of unease as much as we trust our instincts to be calm.

But parents aren’t the only ones worth paying attention to. Each parent knows their child the best, but many specialists such as nursery nurses, psychologists, even EEH mum can notice the red flags. If they point out the fact that a child is reacting too intensely it is worth listening to their expertise and explore it further.  

Here Zande adds that no matter how sweet, loving and caring our grandmothers or aunts are, their judgement of the child’s tantrums or temperament is not to be taken to heart. She points out that it is valuable to listen to specialists and those who have experience the child’s natural daily spectrum of emotions.

As a doula that focuses on the wellbeing of mothers, I want to draw special attention to the final red flag. A red flag that we need to seek help for the child’s sake is if we simply cannot cope with day-to-day childcare. Yes, it’s not our failure as parents – especially parents who are going through a tough time during which our child needs support from a specialist to help them work through their emotions. 

And here no one has done anything wrong – not the parent by raising their child and “not being able to cope”, not the child who is simply experiencing emotions that at that moment are too intense. I like Zande’s encouraging and welcoming tone when she says “It doesn’t hurt to have a chat”, I find these few words so simple and freeing – we can seek help if we can’t deal with the situation, if only to start a conversation. 

Mischief or natural exploration of the world?

I asked where is the boundary between the child’s natural exploration and a negative way to attract attention. Here I will explain that I had meant – how to tell the difference between mischief and the exploration process. But Zande approaches this question differently and as a result gives me a better answer that explains what I’m trying to understand even better.

“In our society we use many misleading terms. Terms we don’t understand. Depression, when we feel upset, trauma. When speaking about children this word is “manipulation”. We don’t fully understand what it means.”

She is strict about the fact that little children never manipulate, they try to understand the world and take part in the processes according to the stage of their development, the particular situation and their experiences. They test the boundaries and in accordance – a normal process of exploration is everything that isn’t dangerous. 

“Of course, there’s behaviour which we allow or don’t allow”, she adds. 

Zande says that boundaries in the family need to be agreed upon by both parents and they need to be on the same page. I talk about the 5 values method in my mum groups, where from a list of just over 100 values you agree on the 5 main ones which will serve in helping you define the rules at home. This way we avoid situations where mum says no but dad says yes or the other way around. 

It is also important that the boundaries are set age-appropriately and we definitely shouldn’t go to either extremes where the child has no boundaries or quite the opposite – there’s too many of them. 

Biting, hitting, spitting

The main advice Zande gives (and I’m paraphrasing) is to not let them rile you up. Don’t scream, definitely don’t hit back.

“These are the moments where we need to remember that one here is the child, the other – me, is an adult”, she explains. 

One of the methods where parents need to actively participate is making a no into a yes. Zande explains that this method is best suited for children nearing three, when their language skills are more developed – but some of the examples I found fantastic for smaller children too. For example, throwing a wrinkled up paper bag instead of random objects in the room.

Throwing is a strong reaction, similar to hitting or kicking, so it helps children let their strong emotions out while not kicking their little brother or mum. Zande gives many interesting examples, and here the parents need to be creative. The aforementioned paper bag – don’t throw a toy car at your baby brother, come, throw this bag, throw it here, as far as you can! Yes!! Well done, here, have it back, now throw it even harder. We need to be creative and more importantly, we have to be enthusiastic to take the child’s mind away from the “no” and to be on the same energy level as them.

Your child is spitting? Fine, let them. Let them spit – in the bathtub! So simple, but Zande reminds me – it has to be enthusiastic. Offer the child to spit the bathtub full, give them a task so interesting, so grand, provide such a big place for dealing with their frustration that the child understands there is a safe and appropriate outlet for their anger where it can be actively worked through. And of course, afterwards, rinse the bath with a showerhead.

So think of an alternative “yes” to the “no” which is happening. I happened to have a chance to try this method myself and Kate tests: It works! My daughter was splashing the freshly spilled water on the floor in frustration. I told her that the water will splash if she claps her wet hands as well. And so we clapped. Both of us. Now louder! Wider so it’s the loudest! And my daughter, from overwhelming frustration, burst out laughing. So we clapped a bit more and then when we were calmer cleaned up the spilt water.

It’s the same with smaller children, we still need to tell them that it is not ok to hit someone. “I can’t let you hit me” or “you can’t hit your brother” are good phrases to use. It is important to say them in sincerity rather than smiling with a “oh you rascal” type of an attitude, because the child will think our smiling means we’re enjoying a game with them. 

It is important to  give age appropriate ways how, without harming other, let them blow off the steam. Because there is steam.

How to prevent tantrums?

Of course, we all want to know what we could do to prevent outbursts of anger in the future. Just like in my article about a toy shelf or any other methods which encourage independence, preventing anger and working on cognitive skills is an investment from the parents into the child’s future which starts with parental involvement.

Zande offers a great way and gives me a concrete example. As she explains, this is a proper research project. First we need to document the tantrums for a week, and write down the following:

• What happened right before
• What escalated the anger
• Notable day-to-day stimuli
• Any changes in routine

This method helps to figure out what causes tantrums and the parent’s job is not only to write it down but see the connection. Zande gives a concrete example – a child is crying because they didn’t get a chance to run outside before bed. So we take note of what happened before and connect that it was the lack of activity in fresh air. We can also see a change in routine because sometimes the child goes outside (and then things are better), sometimes we don’t stick with this routine. 

Analysing a child’s triggers like this makes it easier to prevent them in the future, in this case, for example, planning the activities according to the child’s needs and go for an evening walk. Sounds so easy (bar the week of documenting) but I know that some of you here think – yeah right, plan the tantrums of a two year old! Children are so unpredictable at this age. What to do if a tantrum is public and out of the blue without any connections to make?

What to do during a public tantrum?

The first thing Zande says starting this topic is “It’s normal for the age”. She says that it is a great (unjust) shame for the parents, more often mums. She shares about how she herself has felt as, in her words, “helpless and miserable” in moments like this as any young mum. 

“It’s a massive source of tension for the mum.”

And yet, in this moment of tension, there’s two ways you can act. One is taking the child, leaving the shopping where it is and just leaving the situation. As simple as that and it’s ok. A mother can be tired and not have resources and in situations like that it’s best to remove the child from the situation.

If there’s resources, and here Zande mentions that such a tantrum can last 10-15 minutes so not to be afraid to use the first method and just leave with the child, if there’s no resources for this it’s not mums fault – it’s only adequate distribution of her resources. But if you do have resources, the first thing you need to remind yourself is that you’re currently raising your child.

“I will help my child survive his emotions and learn. I am teaching my child”, Zande offers as a mantra. 

And the main thing is to be with the child. Remind them that they can be sad, that we understand it’s hard for them. But here the tone is important. There’s two ways to say “cry it out!” – one is encouraging and lets the person know they have room for crying, the other is to ridicule and this will not bring any results (or will stay as a painful memory of rejection). The tone must be understanding, sensitive, as I mentioned, mums feel miserable, but so do the children. 

It is just as important to stay firm. “Cry, my love, I know how sad you are but we will not buy the car”. And the child will truly stop crying and will calm down because we were present. 

“If we are there with kindness and understanding, a child won’t stop crying because he’s broken but because someone was able to survive his sorrow”, Zande explains.

She also warns that a second such time in a shop could be even harder than the first but if parents can take the child’s heartache it teaches there’s no point to fall on the floor by the toy shelf. Later, when cognitive skills are more developed, a child can be taught to ask and thus learn the concept that sometimes when you ask you get it and sometimes you don’t. And once the tantrum is over we move on – offer the child to find where milk or an apple is to put it in the basket.

Here I have written a sneaky question for myself which I think has already been answered in the statements above so I didn’t ask, because hearing Zande’s stance, it seems like too much of a loaded question – what should passerbyers do after seeing a public tantrum? You already know I would say something that would make some exclaim “from a mother’s mouth?!” and I don’t want to provoke the specialists. And yet, during our conversation, she has given some practical tips which I urge you to read.

First of all, remember that during the heat of the moment the mother and the child are feeling miserable. We all know how it is to feel miserable. So how would we want to be treated in a moment like that? I already mentioned Zande’s lecture about mindful child raising and its wider use. I won’t regale the entire lecture but she tells about a way to act in a crisis situation – SPA, where the first step is Stop.

In any crisis situation we should first stop and evaluate the situation so we can act accordingly. How simple! And I don’t mean literally stop and start looking at the child’s tantrum and the mother’s reaction but quite the opposite – stop before jumping in to help. As Zande already mentioned, it is a moment when a mother is teaching her baby how to deal with their emotions, she protects the attachment, being by the child’s side and not leaving them alone in their sorrow. It is time for the child to learn these skills. Outside influences and stimuli are unnecessary and even bothersome. 

None of us says it but I will write it so it has been solidified – if you see a baby experiencing a tantrum publicly – simply leave the child and the mother alone! This is the best that you can do because only mum (or other guardian) knows how to help the child best in the given situation. They are already doing it and they don’t need your help.

“May women my age and older forgive me but it’s normally older ladies that criticise the mums and mums can’t take the pressure”, Zande explains. “In cases like this mum will often give in which is fine short term but in long term teaches the child that if they want something, the best way to get it is by falling on the ground.”

She especially points out that in cases where someone comes over and says to the child that if they don’t listen to the mother the child will be taken away or joking that they will take the child home, it is very important to turn around and say “No, I won’t let anyone take you”. She explains that even though the child is screaming at that moment, he absolutely perfectly hears what’s going on around him and we need to make him feel safe even in his anger. 

How to survive tantrums?

And the main question – if it’s normal, if it’s really normal, how can a sane person survive this? In the given example about the shop we can use a simple solution and simply avoid taking our child to the shop. It isn’t always possible, of course, but if there is a chance to leave the child with the other parent or if not, at least send the parent that can deal with the tantrums better. 

You can also offer “yes” activities in the shop – search for the apple, for the milk, put it in the basket. And before the tantrum starts – don’t even show your child where the candy or chocolate is. If the child already knows where to run to get it they will more likely do exactly that, whereas if we buy a toy or a snack unnoticeably they will not associate the particular shop with the particular treat.

It is also important to remember that you shouldn’t take your child to the shop angry because a successful shop visit is based on keeping the child active – pushing, carrying, searching, putting in the basket. 

But the main thing Zande tells us to remember is that children grow up so fast. If we’re battling with the terrible twos, it means two years have already passed – how? So soon! And yet, sometimes a single hour seems like forever. She reminds us that we don’t need to survive 18 years or the rest of our life but just this hour, just this tantrum. Even less. Zande suggests dividing the evening in 15 minute segments. 

“We can survive anything for 15 minutes and if we need to, 15 more and it really does end.”

If you can’t bear the moment whatsoever and everything is over the top, you can try taking yourself on a little imaginary trip, even for 20 seconds. Zande gives examples – imagine your child on their first day of school or starting university. Visualise a pleasant future for 20 seconds. 

When I talk about anger in my mum groups, I always say that you should think how lovely your child looks when they’re asleep because then it’s harder to be mad. But the method Zande offers also gives you hope for the future and reminds you why you signed up for this in the first place. 

If a child has two parents, you should agree on a signal that lets the other one know it’s too much. For example, everyone has one opportunity a week to summon the other parent for a particular task, say bedtime. The tired parent would benefit from leaving the house, going on a little walk for 15 minutes, being in the fresh air, and distancing themselves from the situation. The main thing is to use this method honestly and with compassion on both sides. 

She says that often we see two desperate parents trying to both calm a single screaming baby and everyone burns out. And here we don’t use “burnout” as a term we don’t understand and use left and right. Roberta already wrote about the seriousness of parental burnout here. 

Zande also says that if we’ve got to the point where in our desperation we start experiencing anger, it’s a red flag for us. Anger means we’re feeling helpless and that is a signal that we need to urgently look for someone to look after the child, if even for an hour, so we can get some time to bring ourselves back and rest. If the child does drag you into their tantrum and anger is flowing over, remember again – one is the adult, one is a child. Parents have to be mature, have to show their children how to work through emotions rather than rage along (this phrasing is definitely not a quote from Diāna Zande).

And for the sensitive children’s parents – don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it. 

But the most interesting thing we talked about at the end when it seemed we had already started a casual chat was resources that are available for mums. We can survive these 15 minutes only if we know it’s normal.

Our publication and my support groups are focusing on the normalising of mother’s feelings. And so I wanted to speak to Zande specifically who admitted that we really need to think about how we share our information to the new mothers, it definitely can’t come with instilling shame and guilt. She adds that mothers who read books, articles – they’re already mindful, involved mothers, they already think about these things and worry so it is important what words we use to talk to them, because mums who would need the “tough love” at times won’t even read these books, whereas involved mothers read them and go deeper into self doubt. 

It is unproductive to stress mums even more and often we will find materials saying what is the right mother, the correct way to raise your children but this just makes things harder and can seem judgemental, so our team will continue to share our knowledge and create content based in evidence and science, as well as provide normalising content for any – already a good mum. 

Once I chatted with Zande on Twitter and I think this predicted our conversation on children’s tantrums so well (translation below):

Paldies par brīnišķīgajām lekcijām ♥️ Iedvesmojos gan psiholoģijas studijas atsākt, gan par dūlu izmācīties, jo gribēju mammām iedot to queen sajūtu, ko saņēmu noklausoties lekcijas. Ir grūti, bet nav neiespējami, ja ir pareizie rīki. Par partnerattiecībām arī bija super ♥️

— Katrīna (@neadekvaata) July 14, 2022

On this note I want to wish mums understanding for themselves, for their children and from passersby. You already know what you need to do, we confirm – it is normal, now just channel that queen feeling that you already have in you!

 

**Tweets:

(me): Thank you for the wonderful lectures. I got inspired to reapply for my psychology studies and to learn to be a doula because I wanted to give women that queen feeling I received when listening to your lectures. It’s hard but it is not impossible if we have the right tools.

(Diāna Zande): Wonderfully said – give the “queen feeling”. Because the rest they can themselves, isn’t that right? And the same goes for dads – if they feel that they can, the doing increases too. And with that the success. And mishaps too, as is normal in life.