This article was originally written in Latvian by Lauma and translated in English by Roberta.
Once, a smart mum said on Twitter, “”Mum’s time for herself” is a politically correct way of saying mum can clean and get the house neat.” And she’s right. And it is also true for those who object when they say that this is not and should not be the case. Didn’t read the irony, you’ll say? When we’re severely fatigued it is hard to notice such nuances and being constantly responsible for a little life can be very exhausting. Don’t let someone try to convince you that this is not the case. We are the best at telling our own level of fatigue and the fact that neighbour Christine who has three children and is all alone might have it harder does not in any way cancel out your tiredness here and now. We also know the best thing that helps us against our fatigue. One answer could be universal – it’s the aforementioned time for yourself, but does it mean the same thing to everyone?
What may not really be time for yourself?
Of course, I want to note to myself and others that there can be all sorts of things in life and we can theorize about the importance of finding time for ourselves, but family models are different and not everyone can afford a 3-day spa holiday for themselves. In this article we will try to find a way to talk about time in our widest range of time units – from 20 minutes alone to the weekend. How much time we find for ourselves is not as important as how often we find it and how fulfilling it is.
That’s why, of course, cleaning the house can also be time for herself, if mum really likes this process and it’s important for her well being, if she recovers her inner resources by doing it. Turn on the music that is pleasing in the background or a long-delayed podcast, pour yourself a glass of your favorite drink to your liking and ability… yes, why not. If there is no other option for a while, this can serve as an SOS way to forget for a moment, provided that the child is being cared for by someone else at that moment.
And yet – the house can also be cleaned by someone else, at least in theory, and it satisfies the needs of all the members of the household (even if some members of it do not agree and, in their opinion, could live in dust). On the other hand, no one can read a book or rest in the bath instead of mum. In addition, cleaning the house, like going to the store, pharmacy, the doctor, is the satisfaction of the most basic needs.
Oftentimes, new mums (including myself) feel guilty, leaving a newborn or baby with another care person while going on such simple errands for an ordinary person. The time of this absence is necessary both for the mum herself and for the child to strengthen safe attachment, as well as for the dad or other person of secondary care, not counting the mum. What could my mother’s guilt, even in a short absence, signal? It’s probably a longing for your child while away, which means you’re a very attached mum to your child. And that’s amazing. If you don’t feel guilty and, on the contrary, you feel like you’ve broken out and finally facing freedom – it’s just great. In any case, absence from the child can help look at your feelings, needs and desires, from the outside, at a distance. In the presence of a child, we can suppress various impulses of emotions, consciously or unconsciously, but alone we can finally talk to ourselves – directly and without witnesses. This conversation is not always easy, but is certainly valuable.
By the way, about the feeling of guilt about arguing in the presence of a child, read here.
What is surely time for yourself?
Time for yourself is a time that can be completely devoted to things that please you or enrich you not only as a mother, but also as the person you were before the child and who you still are. In addition, it is desirable to focus on this thing alone. It doesn’t necessarily have to be completely unrelated to your mother’s experience. Undoubtedly, there are women who find new hobbies in motherhood, and they can be related to this experience of motherhood. Others start knitting or crocheting children’s clothes, still others (like me, see the podcast Stāvi Pie Ratiem, which is the gem of my parental leave) – are manifested by writing down their experience on blogs about being mothers. But even if your hobby or interests are related to parenting, it’s not about the child anyway. It’s about you and just about you, how you feel, how you express yourself, what you think is important, and how you enrich your daily life with new reflections, ideas and everything else, along with direct child care responsibilities.
Why is this so important? If your own needs don’t seem important to you (and such feelings may arise), think about the child – he needs an interesting and self-sufficient mum from whom to get safe and get an example later in the future. Ok, it’s a joke. And not only. Children imitate us, and if they see that parents are engaged in something of interest to them, they also want to do what is so exciting for parents. Read books, for example. Draw. Dance. Anything. Children draw positive emotions from us, and a fulfilled mum is able to give easier than an emptied one.
Time for yourself must be planned, not reclaimed
This article is not a theory of how it would be better, but is based on my own experience. I myself have problems recognizing emotions and feelings, and often I find myself in a tangle of different impressions and feelings, only when they all fall over my head. No, it’s not too late to go out and take a breather, but it would have been better if I had planned it in time not when all the strings burst at the same time… In short, free time in motherhood must be planned, because that is also a duty. A duty to oneself and to one’s own emotional health and sometimes even sanity. Planning time away can be very hard when you’re stuck in the stream of daily activities, every outing can require quite a bit of management. Spontaneity is a good characteristic, but even better is flexibility and in motherhood it is useful no less.
Everyone knows their emotions best and how we get when we’re tired. But much, especially in the postpartum and infant care period, may seem like a novelty in itself. For me, for example, it’s anger – I start waving my fists in a rage, grinding my teeth and I’m ready to hiss and even shout at everyone about any trivial thing. I become dangerous not only to myself, but also to others. This usually signals a fully depleted battery of personal resources. In a way, though, my problems with self-control are useful in a relationship – it’s convenient for my husband to notice that I’m not doing well and immediately “write” me a holiday. But it shouldn’t be that way, I should be able to notice myself that I’m tired, and soon I should have time for myself. Therefore, I invite others to watch themselves and “book” their afternoons out of the house in advance or, conversely, days when someone else can take the child out for a walk and you can be at home alone.
Let’s remember that we are very different and as diverse in how we feel exhaustion and how we help it. For one, it is complete solitude with oneself, for another – meeting friends and like-minded people. I personally am a hybrid, and I have to remind myself regularly that at least once a month I need to have a quality time with friends, and at least once a week – to be alone at home.
In conclusion, I have to admit that I am very privileged and I do not clean the house at all, for which I have a husband that I wish upon everyone. But the kitchenwork is on me, because then I can listen to a podcast on headphones, pour myself that banal glass of wine or two and pretend that the rest of what’s going on in the house doesn’t apply to me. May it work out for you at least once in a while!
